Deep Thoughts from Jack Handey

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

"If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away."

"Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise."

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say."

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."

"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."

"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!"